Ronda Shirley is coming in to teach us some ways to practice self love and self compassion while being on our actual grinds.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

Ronda’s website: https://shirleytherapeuticandconsultingservices.com/

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Here’s a transcript of the episode

Brooke Logan:

Hello! We are live for #SpotlightSunday here and we have Ronda Shirley who is going to be talking about her amazing business. Ronda, how about you just introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about you and your business and what you do for your clients?

Ronda Shirley:

Hiiii!!! Like Brooke said, I’m Ronda Shirley. I own a therapy and consulting practice in Macon, Georgia, which is about maybe an hour south of Atlanta. I do different things. What I do is I marry my backgrounds, which I have about 17 years in corporate. Came out of corporate, became a therapist. I did all the corporate-y the type of things so now I’m just making a great big baby with all that I’ve learned.

Brooke Logan:

What did you do in corporate?

Ronda Shirley:

I did different things. I had the good fortune of being in insurance. So having been in insurance, one of the things that I did was underwriting and claims. Lots of management. The bulk of my time was spent in management, which is where I’m able to recognize the need and maneuvering through that whole thing from picking out your career choices to side-stepping any type of bumps in the workplace – that type of thing.

Brooke Logan:

Okay, cool. Yeah, that totally makes sense, how it fits together. Awesome. Okay, cool. The next question I like to ask everybody is what is your definition of branding and what does that mean for you and your business?

Ronda Shirley:

Great, great question. And it’s such an individualized thing, you know? I can remember going online and looking up branding and it was this host of things that came up, you know? I guess if I had to put it in a box myself, I would say that it is your way of creating space in the world that is uniquely you.

Brooke Logan:

Yeah. I love that. That’s so good. That’s so good. Do you feel like having that understanding of what branding means, has that affected how you run your business at all?

Ronda Shirley:

You know, it’s so interesting because, it has and it hasn’t. In corporate, everyone is like a different version of the same thing. Being in private practice, it makes it totally different. You truly to get to present as you uniquely are. Which, it seems it’ll be so exciting, but it’s spooky because you really don’t have a framework from which to build that on. So it’s like, well shoot… who am I? You know? You got to dig through all the rubble of that. Yeah.

Brooke Logan:

That’s so true. Corporate is definitely easier in that aspect. But I feel like it’s so much more fun to just get to be you, though. And figuring it out is definitely fun! Okay, let’s hear about your thing. What are you going to teach us today?

Ronda Shirley:

Okay, the thing that we’re going to be focused on today is creating space for self care. Often we pride ourselves on this thing about grinding. I’m on my grind. I’m hustling. I have eight jobs, I don’t sleep. You know, those types of things. They sound really the great, they make awesome rap videos, but the truth of the matter is they don’t propel you forward in doing the things that you most want to do. So what we’ll do today is we’ll be talking about some of the things about this wonderful elusive thing that’s called self care. What it is, what it isn’t, and ways that we can infuse it into our day to day and the benefits of doing so.

Brooke Logan:

I love it. Perfect.

Ronda Shirley:

Cool. I guess we can start with what is self care, right? Because the myth of self care is people just luxuriating, eating bon-bons, and letting life pass them by. Which is all of it. I say all the time that we have to be our own first favorite customer. When we think about that, and we take that concept and apply it to self care, it’s a matter of creating an opportunity to be our best self. Right? And how do we do that? Well, one of the ways that we do that is we create a space where there’s a need. We figure out what that need is and we fulfill it. Same thing with self care. What is it that we need? And taking the time to create space to fulfill that need.

Brooke Logan:

That’s perfect. I love that definition because I think it’s so funny that everybody talks about self care online all the time, but everybody’s definition is so different and it’s so interesting. I mean, even how you said it, it still leaves much room for interpretation of what it means for you. I love that. That’s awesome.

Ronda Shirley:

Because see a lot of people, when they look at it from luxuriating, it’s almost like they see it as being selfish. You have the option of either caring for others or caring for yourself and to care for yourself just seems like, Eh, I’ll just catch up to it later. But now, if you don’t engage in some level of self care, there’ll be no later.

Brooke Logan:

That’s so true. I always liked the airplane example. Put your own mask on before you can help anyone else. The basic level of it. That’s great. Awesome.

Ronda Shirley:

Another thing, too, about self care is, the purpose that it serves. And with the purpose comes the benefits, right? One of the things is you get to lower your stress. Often everyone is just so stressed out and people do different things when they stress. They snap, they drink, they overeat, they undersleep and just a host of things. By taking that time out, whatever that is, and just creating a little pocket, right? That’s all we need. We don’t have to fly to Fiji – just a little pocket to create space for us to do what it is that we need.

Brooke Logan:

Yeah! Can I ask a question?

Ronda Shirley:

Sure!

Brooke Logan:

What is your favorite self care practice? If you say you don’t need – obviously Fiji would be nice – but if we’re limited on time and resources, what’s your way of practicing self-care?

Ronda Shirley:

My favorite is my vice of candy crush. I would getting in the cut and just kind of, okay, let’s unplug and woo-sa for a minute. So I play my little candy crush and get it in. What are yours?

Brooke Logan:

I like to go to yoga. I just started going to yoga at a studio. I did it before, like on little TV videos and it’s just not the same. I like that. And we have a hot tub, so I like the hot tub, too. It’s hot here, like a hundred degrees outside right now, so I don’t get to do that as much. But other than Fiji of course. If I can go to Fiji, that would be top of the list.

Ronda Shirley:

Right? That’s the ultimate beach for self-care!

Brooke Logan:

But yeah, I’m liking yoga lately.

Ronda Shirley:

And you know what? There is a connection between yoga and a centering and becoming more connected to our spirit self. Which is another thing too, that is a form of self care. Connecting to your spirit self and recognizing that you are not the problem that you are experiencing. You will more than just bustling and collecting coins. You are an energy that requires renourishing and being around other energies for fuel.

Brooke Logan:

That’s so true. And I think that’s why I like the actually going to the class part of it much. Because you don’t get that when you’re watching a yoga video at home. Right? Or it’s much harder I guess. At least I don’t get it.

Ronda Shirley:

I thought I was going to try, but can’t. I don’t know. I guess I have this fear of it. But yeah, I’ve always been so uber impressed with yogis because it’s not just an exercise, it’s like a way of being and it’s like, ooohhh yoga ladies! So incredibly cool.

Brooke Logan:

Yeah, it’s fascinating! I’m not at that level. I go to the very easy classes. But it is, it’s that self care. I feel like I’m doing something good. You know?

Ronda Shirley:

And I guess, in essence you really are. I mean, when you think about it, because another piece of self care is focus. And when you’re doing yoga, you gotta focus, you gotta lock it down, otherwise you’ll hurt yourself. That’s one of the things about it, you’re get a chance to just not be so distracted. Because now whatever’s going on, whatever great spotlight you’re preparing for, you can’t really focus on that in your yoga class, which is like, yaaayyy! Time for Brooke! Self-care.

Brooke Logan:

Exactly. Exactly. Sorry, I interrupted you there. Okay, let’s move on then.

Ronda Shirley:

I guess one of the things that I think has the greatest weight with the whole self care thing is different types of self care. I think that gives us many options, as far as how we do it, why we do it, and what we can do. With that being said – it’s like, I feel like I’m pivoting it. I want to make sure that I don’t miss answering any of the things that you wanted to ask before I delve in.

Brooke Logan:

No, you’re totally fine! You’re good. Let me scroll through real quick and make sure we don’t have any questions in the box yet. So far, no questions. If anybody has questions, put them in. We got a bunch of people saying hi. Hello, hello everyone. If anybody has any questions, put them in as we go and we’ll come back and check them.

Ronda Shirley:

Cool. One of my favorite things about self care, is listening to your inner voice, right? Again, going back to being your favorite customer. The first thing you want to know about your favorite customer is how can I figure out how to get the connection so that they see me and we can make this thing happen. We have to sit with our sales for a little while and there are different ways we can do that. I love assessments, man. I mean, its got all these different things, like my son found one for using your birthday years and months and can figure out who you are and you get this wonderful leading – I think he was leader, mine was master creator. And it’s like, aaahhh. It gives you buzz words for it so this is a path of sorts.

Now if I’m buying into this thing of being a creator. Okay, so what do creators need? Well one thing creators do is to be innovative, so I guess I need to get some books out and get to reading and figuring out how to get those things done. So the thing about self care is learning who you are, right? A lot of people say, well who am I? I don’t know who I am. I don’t know my purpose. Well, no you won’t know because no one’s gonna give you like fortune cookie and say crack it! Here you are! That’s who you’re going it be. It’s a process.

For example, you didn’t always know that you were born to do what you’re going to do. Right?

Brooke Logan:

Right. I mean I liked to color when I was little. That kind of leads to graphic design, but it took a while to circle back there. I had a bunch of other majors in college and I definitely didn’t know all along.

Ronda Shirley:

See what I mean? It takes time with yourself and giving yourself outlets to kind of say, okay, well I like coloring and I like things looking a particular way and I color combos. It’s like, oh, I’m not going to just color. I’m gonna be in graphic design of I’m gonna be a graphic artist. We have to kind of spend time with ourselves. Which means that all the business can sometimes detract us away from doing what it is that we need to be de doing.

Another thing is, you’ve gotta identify those goals. Goals are the blueprint. That lets us know if we’re wasting time or not. Because there’s nothing that’s more anti self care than wasting time. So you’ve to get those in place. And they don’t have to be huge goals, I’m going to conquer the world, be president number 46, it don’t have to be anything like that. It can be something as simple as, today I’m going to get that blog post up. Today, I’m going to just do the sketch for my blog post. But we always have to be working towards something because it’s the stress that takes us out of being in care of mode, so we’ve got to make sure that we keep those stress levels down.

Brooke Logan:

I like to set small goals and the large goals because I have plenty of those small goals and sometimes that’s totally enough for me. But sometimes I still don’t want to do it. And sometimes it’s those larger, overarching goals that keep you motivated a little bit more. I’ve seen a lot of different online strategists, and in any field really, talk about goal setting and some people say to set 30 day goals or 90 day goals. Or some people plan out their whole freaking year. So what’s your take on goal setting and how often do you do that?

Ronda Shirley:

That’s a really good question. All of the above. I do the full year goal. Then I chop it off into quarters. And I chop it off into months. And then I chop it down to weeks. And then I get it down to the day. I know, right? It sounds way more succinct than what it really winds up being. But I try to do it that way so I’m always working on something. Because for me, that’s my self care. To be able to see my progress in things big or small. Because sometimes, if the focus is the big goal, you know running 26 miles, you’re going to lose sight of the fact that hey, I ran a whole yard.

Brooke Logan:

Yeah, exactly. You got to have both to balance it out.

Ronda Shirley:

Absolutely. Because that’s the name of the game, right? Balance. We’ve got to make sure that balance is in place. Another one that I have is breathing. I was sharing with a client who battles with anxiety. I said, you’re not breathing are you? And they were like, what do you mean? I said, do you find yourself sometimes where you are gasping? And they were like, yeah. I said, because what’s happening is you are overriding your brain’s normal system of movement, which includes breath. So sometimes we have to just breathe. Because breathing, as simple as it sounds, it is so uber powerful, you know?

Brooke Logan:

Yes, it is! Bringing back yoga again, that’s the first experience I’ve really had with focusing on breathing and how powerful it really can be. It’s crazy. It’s awesome. I’m definitely one of those people. I forget to breathe. Especially working out or stuff like that, but even in general. I love that you’re talking about goals and breathing and stuff because that’s so important, but you don’t normally put those two things together with self care. But they really are so connected. That’s, that’s awesome. I’ve never thought about it from that perspective. That’s why I love doing these videos and learning from different people. It’s so fun. Everyone knows it’s important. But.

Ronda Shirley:

Isn’t that the truth? It’s like eating, like, yeah, I mean I know I need to eat. But it’s deeper than that because the truth of the matter is, I mean, you could just eat Fritos. But your body needs more than that. But yeah, that breathing thing is key because there’s a scientific background on breathing that when we breathe it redistributes the blood flow in the brain. Because when we’re not breathing, we are in what we call our pre-mammalian cells, which is like, basically we’re like walking human lizards. Which is waiting for the next thing to operate on instinct, which is so not a good space to be in.

Brooke Logan:

It doesn’t sound good.

Ronda Shirley:

No it’s not. Our worst things happen when we’re in that space. That’s when we find ourselves yelling at people or breaking the diet plans or you know, renigging and all the goals. We don’t want it there. The breathing though, we’ll take our blood from sitting here to moving it forward. Which is where we have our consequences, I logical processes. So breathing is the name of the game. And that’s where we have our calm – in the front of our brains. That’s why breathing is boss. It’s amazing. You know, a lot of times, and I’m not anti-medicine by any stretch or form, but, just the simple things that we can do can thwart off a lot of the things that we struggle with – be it mentally, be it professionally – that really don’t require anything more than slowing it down. Breathing. Just kind of chilling out for a second.

Okay, so this is one that I haven’t seen, but as I was reflecting on our time together, it saddened my spirit. And this other form of self care is keeping this strong stream of forgiveness. Gotta make sure that we stay in forgiving mode. And when I say that I’m not necessarily talking about the big stuff, someone cut us off when we were trying to get to where we were going. Forgiveness is, okay, going back to the goal. My goal today may have been to sketch out next week’s blog. But between family obligations, who knows, maybe I didn’t feel good. Whatever it was and I didn’t do it. We have to keep that stream of forgiveness in place so that it’s like, listen. You’re not a bad person. There’s always tomorrow. Let’s just move forward. Otherwise, if we don’t keep this steady stream of forgiveness, we’ll never accomplish anything because we’ll be overwrought with guilt, shame and embarrassment. And just like we wouldn’t want to make our customers, our clients feel guilt, shame and embarrassment, we shouldn’t do it to ourselves either. Because remember, we are our first favorite customer, once it’s all said and done.

Brooke Logan:

Yeah. That’s so important. Definitely. And that’s another one that I’m guilty. Big Time. I’m way harder on myself than I wouldn’t be on anyone else. And you’re right. It’s definitely something to work on for sure. It’s so important.

Ronda Shirley:

Well sure, for sure. Because one of the things too with that is people treat us as we treat ourselves. Another way of engaging in self care, by affording forgiveness to ourselves is, in sense, the platform for how we want people to treat us. The golden rule says do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That’s the golden rule. It rarely works out that way, though. People do unto you as you do unto yourself. So if you’re mean, you say awful language, I’m stupid, stuff like that. Well fine, but people will be responding to you in kind. So self-care, making sure you stay in a forgiving mode with yourself.

Yeah, big one. It’s a big one, but it’s a small word. Two letters. No. Right?

Brooke Logan:

Yes! That’s one of my favorite words. I’ve definitely learned that one.

Ronda Shirley:

Don’t you have to learn it, though? I was talking with a colleague and we don’t hear this term too often nowadays, but when I was growing up, my mom and all the women told all the girls in my age group at the time to be a good girl. That’s the goal. Be a good girl. And oftentimes being a good girl means saying yes when you really want to say no. And saying no when you would prefer to say yes. And that is not a good version of self care. We gotta be able to be okay with saying no. And that’s the reason, right? We have to go back to our four year old selves because our four year olds would tell us in a minute – no. They don’t give us reason, they don’t give us statistics, they just say no and it’s a done deal. We have to regress.

Brooke Logan:

Yes, definitely. I love that one for sure. It took me a while to get there but I talk about that a lot, too. Setting boundaries and saying no and that’s super important. I’m with you all the way. Not that I haven’t been on the other ones, but that one just hits home for me.

Ronda Shirley:

Right? And the ying of that is, it’s okay to say yes. You know it’s okay to say yes to the thing that scares us. It’s okay to say yes to the thing that when you ask us five, ten years ago, would we do it at that time we told? Nah, don’t think so. It’s okay to say yes and change your mind. Because that’s the beauty, right? We always talk about, we don’t always talk about, but there’s this thing called reincarnation, right? Where you die and you come back. We’re all familiar with reincarnation. Well, the truth of the matter is, as humans we’re incarnates. We’re forever changing. We’re forever evolving. And it’s okay to do that. That’s our design to always change. If we decide to change our minds at some point in time, that’s cool too. It’s all in regards to who we are and who we are meant to be. We never were made to be stagnant. There’s some on there I know can be like, ehhh, and that’s okay. What are your thoughts about saying yes?

Brooke Logan:

I think it’s really important. Like you said, I think you hit the main point there with the growing and changing and evolving. I think that’s super important, not only for yourself but in your business too. I think it’s important to say yes if it’s a question of pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and if it’s something that’s going to help you achieve your goal. And doing something to push you in the direction where you want to be. But then I’m all about saying no if it’s something that you don’t really want to be doing. If you don’t have the time, or the resources, or if you just don’t freaking want to do it, say no. But if it’s a matter of just being scared and not wanting to leave that bubble, then yes. Say yes. That’s when you don’t say no. Because I’m all about that for sure. Even just the live video stuff for me, I used to be terrified of doing it. I’m like, okay, I got to figure it out. I got to say yes, I got to do it if I’m going to get where I want to be. And now it’s no big deal at all. I’m on video all the time. It’s nothing. I definitely think you’d have to say yes and no. And they both come back to self care, too. I love how you’re tying it all together.

Ronda Shirley:

Absolutely. I got to get like you, Brooke, on this whole video thing. It’s like, aaaahhh.

Brooke Logan:

Yeah, it’s scary for sure. It’s definitely scary for sure. And then sometimes I’m still like, yeah, I’m going to say something stupid today, but if I do then I do. And it is what it is. It hasn’t hurt me yet.

Ronda Shirley:

That’s what I’m talking about. Self-care. The forgiveness piece. If I say something, hey I just say it, you know? Chalk it to my mind, not my heart.

Brooke Logan:

Yup. And like I said, it hasn’t hurt me yet. And I’ve noticed that just watching other people too. Not just with video, but watching other people do things outside of their comfort zone. You always think it’s a bigger deal for you than it really is to other people. Like, if you mess up or if you do something stupid. Other people don’t care as much as you think they do. That’s what I’ve learned.

Ronda Shirley:

Isn’t that the truth? Because people are so awed of the fact that you’re doing those things that they don’t normally take the time to critique it in the same way that we would because they’re like, wow, Brooke’s like really bad ass. Why can’t I be like that? So, all the other stuff just falls off to the wayside.

It just had a couple more pointers on examples of self care. One of them, we say we’re going to do, right? That’s generally one of our new year’s resolutions, but it’s really hard for us to follow through with it. And that is just the reach out and say hey. Be it a friend, a family member, a colleague – just a hey, what’s good? Outside of the basics, you always want to keep your connections in force so that if you can be of service or if he needed a service, you’ll have someone to reach out to. But even bigger than that, the actual endorphins that you get from the, “Oh my God, it’s so good to hear from you!” Because that’s the thing. We all want to be appreciated. We all want to be considered important. We want to be the light in someone’s eye. And this is a wonderful way of securing your self-care. By reaching out and letting someone know that yeah, not only are you the light in my eye, but hey, it’s nice to know that I’m the light in yours as well.

Brooke Logan:

That’s awesome. That’s so important. I agree. And that’s something I’m terrible at and I’m currently working on. I have a couple of friends who are just amazing at that and I know exactly what you’re talking about because when she reaches out to me, I’m so excited to talk to her and I want to be that person, too. That is so important. I totally agree with that.

Ronda Shirley:

Right? But it becomes one of those things like taking a bubble bath. I mean, it’s a good thing to do, it’s not like it’s expensive, but it’s like, man, I got much other stuff I need to be doing. But next time I’m going to do it. But a lot of times we’ll find that once we set up even the preliminary boundary of, “Hey girl, I’m just going to talk to you for a second. You are on my mind. I just want to tell you, hey.” Boom, boom, boom. Keep an eye on your time and the call is done. It didn’t take up all your day after all. And as a matter of fact, now you don’t have the guilt of not reaching out, right? Because the time is gonna be spent either way. It’s just on the connection or the guilt. Self care is making sure that if you’re going to spend the time, make sure you get the biggest bang for your buck.

Brooke Logan:

Perfect. I love it.

Ronda Shirley:

Another one is staying up late. Man, sleeping is so hard. But it is the catalyst to everything that we do. If we don’t get proper rest, everything else is off. From our appetites, our moods, our ability to just be effective and present. Even just simply being present. Being a therapist, I can really feel it. I can tell when I’m not rested. Colleagues and I are sharing about cases and it’s like, “eeeehhhhh, you kind of snapped that client up a little bit. Catching up on your Z’s?” Very small thing, but it’s huge. Making sure that you’re well rested. Well rested and well hydrated, well fed. All those things are in sync.

Brooke Logan:

Well, the basic levels. Is it Abraham Maslow’s? The hierarchy thing? I remember my psychology classes a little bit.

Ronda Shirley:

Right? And I still live by that thing. Well, hey, got to make sure that bottom rung is filled up.

Brooke Logan:

Yup. Exactly. It is so important. Especially sleep. You can get away with, like you said, the Fritos. You can get away with that for a little while, but you can’t get away with the not sleeping thing for very long.

Ronda Shirley:

Not at all. Because it’ll tell you. Between your, even your appearance, all that stuff is impacted by sleep. So we got to get it done. And my last one that I have is to be grateful. Right? And self care is being grateful for all things. Even our problems. Or what we perceive as a problem. Because the truth of the matter is our problems are really just opportunities for us to develop a new set of skills. Which is self care in and of itself. Being your best, most evolved self. If we can maintain a level of gratefulness as a policy. I’m like, man, I hate this happened. If we can keep it grateful, then it will provide us even more opportunities to love on ourselves, you know? Which is key. And those are all my examples of self care.

Brooke Logan:

It’s perfect. I love it. Those are all so good. And I love, like I said a minute ago too, I love all of these things. We know all of these things, but you don’t usually think about them and how they tie back into that self care piece. That’s so important. It’s awesome. Let me read through here and see. I know I’ve seen some comments in here.

Tanya, Tammy, everybody says hi. Tammy says she goes on Pinterest for an hour a week to dream a little. Self care is harder than eating well, Dana says. Yes, it really is. But it’s so important. It’s just as important.

Take hour a week to do something you want. Nails, toes, or reading. An hour for just me. Yeah. Even something as simple as that, as getting your nails done. It just makes you feel good and just gets you in that space where you can do all of the other things.

Ronda Shirley:

Absolutely.

Brooke Logan:

Tanya says planning is a very undervalued method of self care, but so important. Yes. That’s what I said too.

Ronda Shirley:

That is a good one. That could be number 11. Thanks Tanya!

Brooke Logan:

Tanya also says teaching others to forgive you by forgiving yourself is awesome. And she says Shonda Rhimes’ year of yes changed my life. I’ll have to check that out. Tanya, if you’re still there… do you know what that is? The year of yes?

Ronda Shirley:

I’ve heard of year of the yes? Shonda Rhimes did a book, matter of fact, they had it on sale. Amazon kindle. I think I paid like a whole, hearty ninety-nine cents for it. I haven’t read it yet though, but I hear that the backdrop is she said yes to every question that was asked to her for a year. Whatever came up, she said yes to it and she said how that completely changed her life for the better.

Brooke Logan:

Wow. I’ll definitely check it out. Tanya said it’s a book. It’s so good. That’s cool. I’ve learned the no, maybe I need to go back and learn the yes again.

Ronda Shirley:

Right? Just a little review on it.

Brooke Logan:

Well that’s awesome. That’s all the questions that we have in there so far. Anyone else that’s still with us, if you have any more questions, now is the time. And Ronda, this has been so awesome talking to you. I’ve learned so much. How all these pieces tie together and just how important it really is. It’s crazy how important it is.

Ronda Shirley:

Isn’t it? And all the small things really matter.

Brooke Logan:

Yes, yes, yes, for sure. Well, if we don’t have any more questions, then we will let everybody get back to their Sunday evening. And for anybody watching the replay, just go ahead and put in your questions there, too. I’ll be back in, and I can answer some questions. And Ronda, if you’re available to answer any questions people might have, that would be great, too.

Ronda Shirley:

Awesome sauce.

Brooke Logan:

Cool. All right, well everybody have a great evening and we’ll see you next week.

Ronda Shirley:

All right. Thanks again, Brooke. Take care now!

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